Kubler-Ross

Let me preface by saying that I am not crazy enough to believe this day wouldn't come. In serious denial perhaps, but deep down I knew this day was rapidly approaching.

I stayed home tonight because I barely had enough energy to fold laundry, let alone fight off the suits coming in to drink their Monday workday blues away. I watched some TV, caught up on my favorite YouTube channels & cleaned up my apartment, yet still I found myself bored, so I surfed online until I ended up on Facebook. I have one, despite what I tell all the custies who ask, but I really don't care to update. At this point I use it for one thing only: to pathetically (gently) stalk the one man it feels like I'll never get over, no matter how much I want to. 

Now I'm not doing any more than any other normal person who looks up people on FB but, honestly, even typing in his name makes me feel like a crazy person. 

We haven't spoken in just over a year, when I ratted him out to his girlfriend that we had been sleeping together for two years behind her back. I didn't think twice about doing it but, as sick as it is, I wish more than anything I would've kept my mouth shut. I played in my mind how she would yell at him, he would beg her to stay but she would refuse.. the couples vacation pictures would start to disappear and new ones of weight loss and extreme haircuts would soon replace them. I imagined he would hurt as bad I did every time I left one of our rendezvous evenings to go back to my horrible relationship, feeling disgusted with myself but knowing I would end up doing it again anyway. I used to be his, we used to have a home, and then I somehow let it be okay to be the "other woman", and why? Because Mr. Corporate couldn't handle my stripping through school? I knew it was wrong but at the time I didn't care.. I just wanted him any way that I could, because I knew he would come back to me once I could graduate & stop stripping. So there I was, telling her the truth & playing these sick images in my mind of them breaking up their sham of a relationship, only to realize she was STAYING. SHE WAS STAYING! She quickly changed her profile picture to one of them holding hands as if to tell me that they were strong enough to get through it.. or that he convinced her I was lying & they were going to make it through some crazy ex-girlfriend trying to tear them apart. Actually, the latter sounds pretty accurate, but I WAS sleeping with him and we still loved each other so why should she stay with him? 

Fast forward to today. Since I had blocked both of them, I had been pretty good about never checking their profiles. I mean fuck, I need to get over it right?! We broke up, he chose another girl even after another two years of sleeping together.. it's done. My feelings need to cease.. but they can't. I stupidly decided to check her Facebook, knowing perfectly well I might see what would be the picture I need to finally understand it will never be him & I with our dog & white picket fence again. Sure enough, there it was:

THE PROPOSAL PICTURE.

She actually didn't look so bad, and he looks like he's lost quite a bit of weight. Clearly popping the question during lunch at a restaurant, I laughed thinking of how little effort that must've taken & how I recognized the black diamond around her neck, because it is the one he got me for Christmas the year we moved in together, and I never took it off until the day he left. 

I KNEW THIS DAY WAS COMING (though, it looks like he proposed about a month ago) SO WHY DO I FEEL HURT?

I am not sitting at home crying my eyes out or polishing off a bottle of wine, but there is some part of me that saw that picture and yet STILL felt betrayed. I want to blame myself for being a stripper & not being able to keep him because of that, but I know that's ridiculous. Fuck a man who can't handle it, right? Who else was going to pay my 127K tuition?? I'm a goddess who doesn't need to wait or change for any man.. except I feel so different with him. Underneath all of my talks of girl power, I really just want this one man to finally accept me & my choices. 

Seeing that picture changed me tonight. I  have a problem with moving on too fast without actually dealing with how I feel, and then I end up feeling like this.. powerless & lost. I know that's the last time I can look up pictures, or try to creep on Facebook trying to piece together how they are. I don't want to see wedding pictures, or honeymoon travel destinations, or her saying yes to any fucking dress. I just want to move on past the denial stage and make my way to acceptance before I exit the entire situation stage left. 

So cheers to moving on, way too late but I suppose it is definitely better late than never. 

Flash forward

Okay. 

So I know it has been quite a while since I posted on here, and I'm pretty sad about it. This was supposed to be my release about my crazy stripping life through nursing school, and instead I'm now updating almost a year later in hopes that I can try to regain my motivation for keeping up this blog. I had created a twitter account to connect with other dancers and to share my posts, and it ended up being just the right amount of release for me. A quick 140 character tidbit about something going on at work that I could let go into the land of twitter and it wasn't just mine anymore to keep bottled up inside.. I could actually let it GO. Not to mention the last 7 months of school just tore me apart and getting through my NCLEX was a whole other situation on top of family drama and heart issues, but now I am finally ready to get back into it. 

I figured tonight was a good time to just post quickly since I got home early from yet another terrible night at the club. I actually was fighting to keep my eyes open because I was so bored and tired, so now that I am actually showered & in bed before 3AM, I am going to get some sleep and pray I feel the tiniest bit rested in the morning. 

Goodnight world. 

when she falls in love.

I had gotten to work last night and as soon as I changed into my black work panties & thigh highs, I immediately ran to the bathroom & threw up my dinner. I have been having a flare up of my gastritis these past few days, which pretty much means that it is extremely painful if I eat anything other than bland food. It also means that since it is Friday night and I'm not throwing a 102+ fever or dying, I will be having to work in that condition and pray that I don't get the need to vomit on stage. 

Glamorous, right? Strippers don't get paid sick days.

As I walked around sipping on my ginger ale, I saw the Hispanic lesbian girl from my last post walk in. I gave her a big hug when she got there, mostly because I get really happy when I see a pretty loyal customer in the club, and partly because I know it will make her feel special that I remember her. I told her I would be with her after she made herself comfortable with a drink, and I went about to do my rounds. 

I went on stage and saw a group of whit women, probably mid-forties, and a younger hot man sitting at the tip rail. I went over, grabbed one of the women's hands, and ran it alongside my ribcage to my hip as slow as I could with my hand gently guiding her. 

This move almost always guarantees me a dance with women. 

They were all pretty excited about that move and grabbed me after my set to ask for a dance. One of the blondes in the group asked,"Can you dance for all four of us?" to which I replied, "Four?! At the same time?". 

Pro tip: leave it at two customers receiving a dance at one time, max. It just can't be fun with anymore than that. 

She still wanted to go, so I escorted them to one of our larger dance rooms that is usually empty. She said it was the guys first time getting a lap dance and to please pay more attention to him. Now, usually I don't mind dancing for a man if women are watching, but I try to tone it down if I know the girlfriend or wife is accompanying him, and I make it more about her, regardless what she requests. Almost always, a girlfriend/wife will ask to pay more attention to the man, to which the man doesn't argue but it's obvious he is very uncomfortable during the whole thing. The woman always thinks she can handle it, but once she sees me rubbing my ass up on his groin, I know she will change her mind, so I just focus on the woman anyway. I asked if one of the three women was his wife and one of them said, "Nope, his wife is at home, but she doesn't know she is here. You can think of us three as his.. sister wives". I was pretty shocked. Mainly because I kind of believed her, as at one point or another I saw each one of them kissing him or grabbing his dick. 

Does this kind of thing exist in Los Angeles? 

I stopped caring and went about awkwardly dancing for all four of them at the same time. The women literally swooned. The oldest of the three, who was definitely approaching fifty, said,"Oh gosh, I think I am into women now", while the others awed over my ass and "naturally big" boobs. I ended up making a little over $100 off of them, which really isn't anything, but at least they were easy to please, albeit the boob grabbing was getting annoying, what with four sets of hands and all. While I was waiting for the oldest woman to go get more money out of the ATM (and hold back rolling my eyes at this man for having only $40 on him), one of the other women took my hand and scooted me over to the other side of the couch. 

"So.. do you umm.. see people outside of here? Because my husband and I really want to have someone watch us.. you know., have sex."

Well gosh, you couldn't be more awkward about it. 

I did everything I could to keep her talking about what else she liked in bed, but then she came back to it again.

"How much would you ..you know.. charge for that sort of thing?"

Seeing her fiddle with her hands and fumble over her words, I resisted being a smartass. I told her I simply don't do that type of thing, but if she came in with her husband, at least we could have a great VIP together. I could tell she was a little disappointed but seriously, she pretty much just offered to pay me for a sexual favor so.. 

Anyways, I went about the rest of my night. I chatted up a really cute Asian guy from Hong Kong. Naturally, like all Asian men do, he sat there and barely touched me, got a bunch of dances, tipped me well and was very polite. While I was at the ATM with him, up runs my lesbian girl. 

"Why didn't you come back to meeeee?! You don't like me!"

Um, wow.

Don't interrupt me EVER when I am obviously with a customer. This will always and forever make me angry. The guy was nice but so confused. I told her I was busy and I will be with her later. When I did go back to her, she said that another girl kept sitting with them and spending time with her, almost to try and make me jealous. 

Don't be a smart ass, don't be a smart ass. 

I really had to hold back. I figured I better take her for dances before I hear another complaint about me not paying attention to her, but sure enough all she did was complain that I wasn't hanging out with her and that in return I should kiss her. 

Gross. 

 

By the end of the night, I was on such a roll making money that I almost forgot about her. But sure enough, at almost the last song, I was hand in hand walking with a customer to a dance booth when we see the lesbian girl hanging over a booth calling me.

"Heeeeeey!!! Come heeeeere! You forgot about me again!" 

Oh my GOD this is a joke. 

I politely smiled and just kept walking. 

"Is that your girlfriend?", the customer asked me. I sighed and shook my head. "Oh, she fell in love, didn't she", he said with a laugh. And with that, I couldn't argue.

 I also couldn't help but think that as much as men can get on my last nerve, I could NEVER date a woman. I know not all women are the same but damn! Dealing with that neediness on a daily basis would make me go insane. Truly. The less available you make yourself, the more the other person will want to be around you, so why is this chick so on me wherever I go? Did she not get the memo? I said that after my last relationship I would switch teams but thank you lady. 

You reminded me why I stick to men. 

lesbehonest.

Let me start off by saying that I love dancing for gay women. They never try to touch your hoo-ha, and they aren't aggressive. For the most part, they are gentle with you, full of sweet compliments and aren't drunken slobs. I truly get happy to dance for them. I feel that I can connect with women, touch their skin in just the right way & breath on their neck ever so softly that I can almost feel them get hot. Maybe it is because I have been with other women sexually in the past, or because I just know what I like, but I get quite a bit of lesbians that stay as loyal customers to me and keep coming back. 

With that said, it makes it that much harder when they ask me for my number. Naturally, I have a separate work number to text only good paying customers when I'm at work and it gets slow. 

I had given this girl a dance last week and she came in again last night. I don't remember her name, but she is a heavier set Hispanic girl, maybe around 30, with long hair and a very pretty face. I didn't see her at first, but as I was talking to one of our security guards, she approached me with a huge smile. 

"Are you available for a dance beautiful?" 

I took her hand and we went for a few dances. With that real thick chola accent she has, she explained that she had just gotten off work and was there with a few coworkers, but she really had wanted to come back because she loved how I danced with her. 

Uh oh. 

I already knew where this was going. I didn't want to give my number because I know I will never go out with her, but she was so nice (and spends at least a bill on me) that I figured what the hell. Sure. By the end of the night, she had my work number in her phone, as I was right on my prediction, and I left her with a kiss on the cheek. 

Now, I just have to keep her coming in until she gets annoyed with the fact that I will always be too busy to meet up with her and she stops spending money. Per usual with customers that you give your number to. 

As we are talking about same gender on gender interactions, I witnessed a drunk customer reach out and touch our floorwalker's balls. 

Have I officially seen it all? 

the truth hurts.

Well, le deuchebag ultimo's fiancé sent me a text today. She asked if I was at work on Friday night.. the night he was in the club. I decided I better call her and explain. She said she looked on his email and saw that he looked up the address, so she wanted to know if that is where he ended up. 

I was caught.

Well.. actually, he was caught. Her tears ripped my heart open. I know that feeling of finding out that your man has lied to you, and that he was with other women. In all honesty, I know I couldn't tell her. I told her he did nothing inappropriate (white lie?) and that it just isn't what she thinks it is. Sometimes I feel that I am insensitive to people because I am used to people at work, and even when I pretend I care, I really just don't. 

It is different with this girl. She has such a good heart and is so sweet that knowing she was sad made me feel actually hurt for her. She just lost her grandmother a few weeks ago, that she is very close to, right before she failed a nursing core class for the second time and just got a dismissal letter from school. Yesterday I had promised her that I would write her a letter of recommendation as she appealed her dismissal, and today I feel that I am adding to her stress.

I know this is NOT my fault. Ultimately, it is her fiancé who decided to lie. 

But then.. why do I feel like I betrayed her?

week 1.

It is week one of a new term for school. I wish I could have started this blog when I first started nursing school.. when I had 12 hour shifts in the ICU followed by a complete shift of dancing. It was crazy days like that, followed by intense days of  nonstop studying that inspired me to start this blog. Trying to document my insane life of stripping, being a nursing student, mother, and fitting in a love life somewhere in the middle of that, all the while trying not to get fat (or failing any classes) has not been easy, especially because I have barely had enough time to shower, eat & sleep all in one day, let alone start a blog. 

Last term I ended my clinical round in the ICU. This is the first set of classes I have had in over a year where I don't have any clinicals in the hospital (yay for sleeping past 4am!) or any core nursing classes. I just have 2 classes that go towards my BSN (Bachelors of Science in Nursing), so basically easy, busy work type of classes. 

It feels so nice to just relax! I will still have plenty of work to do, but I can actually do things for myself, like sleep more than 4 hours a night & maybe actually try to have a social life? BSN classes are nowhere NEAR as difficult as RN classes with clinical rounds. We all get one of these terms at my school, and while no one else I know is having this easy term with me, I'm still going to take advantage of it.

With that said, I'm going to make an appointment for a hot stone massage before I start working on my first paper. I will leave you with this meme, which always has me laughing. 

the cowardly lion.

I got to work just in time to hear our house mom say to the dressing room, "You have to come check out this guy making out with his hand!". I hurried to get dressed and check in to go see the hand licker. I thought there was no way she meant there was someone actually making out with his hand. But no. There he was in all his glory. The man fully making out with his hand sitting at the tip rail. 

Just when you think you have seen all the weird shit there is to possibly see in the club, that guy walks in.

Anyways, after doing my usual routine of talking to my Brit man at the bar and ordering a drink, my favorite doorman, big *Don, came up to let me know a guy from an NFL team (while I wont say which one, you can maybe take a guess from the title of this post) just came in for the third time this week and he wants me to talk to him. He said he had spent $2,000 on another girl earlier in the week (which night was this that I missed that?!), but he didn't want to talk to that girl tonight so I should go try. I love big Don to death. He is always helping me out, but damn did this one go south. 

It seemed all good when I went to introduce myself to him. He told me that he liked Hispanic girls, so he really liked this club, and ordered us a few drinks. Usually, if a man is asking you what you want to drink, it means they want you to stay, which is exactly what I did. I saw the manager give him a huge bag filled with singles and thought I finally caught a break. I am not normally the dancer that gets all of her money from stage, or from sitting with a customer all night, but every once in a while I get lucky. Damn, I couldn't have been more wrong about the situation. Eventually he was tipping a few other girls on stage really good, just taking a huge wad of cash and chucking it at them, not caring that most of it ended up on the floor. At that point I thought maybe I should leave, after all he hasn't given me so much as a dollar. But he went to go smoke outside and asked me to stay and watch his phone and a stack of singles, so I sat back and relaxed, expecting a long night of flattening out dollar bills and figuring out how much I should tip big Don for giving me this goldmine. When it was my turn to go on stage, I waited for it. Another girl he tipped had come over to us, whom I happen to very much like, so I thought for sure I'll get rained on, no question. Unfortunately, I left the stage with $6 (from my trusty Brit), and a very confused look on my face, I'm sure. 

Seriously .... 

I almost didn't go back, but our waitress convinced me to stay. 

"He likes girls to dance at his table and he will throw money. Don't worry".

Now, I know I can make decisions for myself, but this isn't a crazy concept. That happens a lot with guys that come in with singles, especially ones that have $3,000 in singles, as this guy did. So whether it was the patron shots kicking in, or just my determination to make money off of this guy I had been sitting with for over an hour without a single dollar already, I decided to listen to her and stay. A few more girls joined us, one he had tipped on stage and another girlfriend of mine. We started dancing and being in party mode at the table, and sure enough he started throwing money. LOTS of money. 

Fucking finally.

The next few things seemed to happen very fast. First, a few girl friends of his came into the club. They were thicker Hispanic girls with not so pretty of faces, and I could tell they did not really like me. Then, those girls asked me and my girlfriend to leave because "he didn't like us", supposedly. Then, I explained that I will leave, but I didn't come here to party, I came to work, and I need to collect my share of these tips first and I will leave them alone. And then, I fucking fell. I FELL. I fell on the money all over the ground and I was so embarrassed I didn't even want to get up. I laughed and told the other dancers that we should just get these tips and split them, but first I need to get up, collect my pride, and I will come back in a minute. By the time I got back, they said he refused them to give me any of the money because I waked away. 

ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

I had just had it. It was like I could not win. For this guy to try to be so fake and nice to me, trying to act like he wanted me there and end up not even letting me get MY tips was so fucked up. They told me they would give me my share at the end of the night, which they did as they pulled out what seemed like chump change from the entire trash bags of money they had. 

I haven't cried at work in a long time. But last night, I definitely did. I quietly walked into the bathroom, let some tears go, dried up my face and walked back out with a tougher skin than I had before.

I don't know what it was that made me feel so sad. We all get guys that don't like us, whether it is our face, or body, or maybe we look like an ex-girlfriend. Whatever it is, we have all had men that just don't like us. We deal with it. Maybe it was because he was the cowardly lion that couldn't do his own dirty work and asked those girls to tell me to leave, as if he hadn't been cool with me for the last hour and a half telling me "don't worry, I got you", making me feel like I can just be discarded at the drop of a hat. Whatever chord it struck in me, it really hit hard.

I chalked it up to him just being one of those guys who likes to cause drama in the club. He likes to be center of attention. After all, the girl he had spent $2,000 a few days ago was the same girl he shooed away before I sat down with him. And as soon as she left early that night (as I could hear in the dressing room, she was pretty upset too) he left as well, most likely in an attempt to make her jealous.

I ended up getting lucky with another guy later, so I didn't have a shitty night monetarily, thankfully. I feel much better today after sleeping off the emotions I had last night. 

He isn't the first NFL player I've had in the club, and he won't be the last. 

A tip to the cowardly lion? Try to focus on the plays you try to make that you have no business making and maybe if you weren't such an asshole on the field, as you are clearly in your regular life, and actually trusted your teammates, you would live to see more plays.