Kubler-Ross

Let me preface by saying that I am not crazy enough to believe this day wouldn't come. In serious denial perhaps, but deep down I knew this day was rapidly approaching.

I stayed home tonight because I barely had enough energy to fold laundry, let alone fight off the suits coming in to drink their Monday workday blues away. I watched some TV, caught up on my favorite YouTube channels & cleaned up my apartment, yet still I found myself bored, so I surfed online until I ended up on Facebook. I have one, despite what I tell all the custies who ask, but I really don't care to update. At this point I use it for one thing only: to pathetically (gently) stalk the one man it feels like I'll never get over, no matter how much I want to. 

Now I'm not doing any more than any other normal person who looks up people on FB but, honestly, even typing in his name makes me feel like a crazy person. 

We haven't spoken in just over a year, when I ratted him out to his girlfriend that we had been sleeping together for two years behind her back. I didn't think twice about doing it but, as sick as it is, I wish more than anything I would've kept my mouth shut. I played in my mind how she would yell at him, he would beg her to stay but she would refuse.. the couples vacation pictures would start to disappear and new ones of weight loss and extreme haircuts would soon replace them. I imagined he would hurt as bad I did every time I left one of our rendezvous evenings to go back to my horrible relationship, feeling disgusted with myself but knowing I would end up doing it again anyway. I used to be his, we used to have a home, and then I somehow let it be okay to be the "other woman", and why? Because Mr. Corporate couldn't handle my stripping through school? I knew it was wrong but at the time I didn't care.. I just wanted him any way that I could, because I knew he would come back to me once I could graduate & stop stripping. So there I was, telling her the truth & playing these sick images in my mind of them breaking up their sham of a relationship, only to realize she was STAYING. SHE WAS STAYING! She quickly changed her profile picture to one of them holding hands as if to tell me that they were strong enough to get through it.. or that he convinced her I was lying & they were going to make it through some crazy ex-girlfriend trying to tear them apart. Actually, the latter sounds pretty accurate, but I WAS sleeping with him and we still loved each other so why should she stay with him? 

Fast forward to today. Since I had blocked both of them, I had been pretty good about never checking their profiles. I mean fuck, I need to get over it right?! We broke up, he chose another girl even after another two years of sleeping together.. it's done. My feelings need to cease.. but they can't. I stupidly decided to check her Facebook, knowing perfectly well I might see what would be the picture I need to finally understand it will never be him & I with our dog & white picket fence again. Sure enough, there it was:

THE PROPOSAL PICTURE.

She actually didn't look so bad, and he looks like he's lost quite a bit of weight. Clearly popping the question during lunch at a restaurant, I laughed thinking of how little effort that must've taken & how I recognized the black diamond around her neck, because it is the one he got me for Christmas the year we moved in together, and I never took it off until the day he left. 

I KNEW THIS DAY WAS COMING (though, it looks like he proposed about a month ago) SO WHY DO I FEEL HURT?

I am not sitting at home crying my eyes out or polishing off a bottle of wine, but there is some part of me that saw that picture and yet STILL felt betrayed. I want to blame myself for being a stripper & not being able to keep him because of that, but I know that's ridiculous. Fuck a man who can't handle it, right? Who else was going to pay my 127K tuition?? I'm a goddess who doesn't need to wait or change for any man.. except I feel so different with him. Underneath all of my talks of girl power, I really just want this one man to finally accept me & my choices. 

Seeing that picture changed me tonight. I  have a problem with moving on too fast without actually dealing with how I feel, and then I end up feeling like this.. powerless & lost. I know that's the last time I can look up pictures, or try to creep on Facebook trying to piece together how they are. I don't want to see wedding pictures, or honeymoon travel destinations, or her saying yes to any fucking dress. I just want to move on past the denial stage and make my way to acceptance before I exit the entire situation stage left. 

So cheers to moving on, way too late but I suppose it is definitely better late than never. 

Flash forward

Okay. 

So I know it has been quite a while since I posted on here, and I'm pretty sad about it. This was supposed to be my release about my crazy stripping life through nursing school, and instead I'm now updating almost a year later in hopes that I can try to regain my motivation for keeping up this blog. I had created a twitter account to connect with other dancers and to share my posts, and it ended up being just the right amount of release for me. A quick 140 character tidbit about something going on at work that I could let go into the land of twitter and it wasn't just mine anymore to keep bottled up inside.. I could actually let it GO. Not to mention the last 7 months of school just tore me apart and getting through my NCLEX was a whole other situation on top of family drama and heart issues, but now I am finally ready to get back into it. 

I figured tonight was a good time to just post quickly since I got home early from yet another terrible night at the club. I actually was fighting to keep my eyes open because I was so bored and tired, so now that I am actually showered & in bed before 3AM, I am going to get some sleep and pray I feel the tiniest bit rested in the morning. 

Goodnight world.